How (Not) To Transition Into A Tech Career

Career Tips (A Satire)

Ignore The Research

You don't need to do any research after all tech is such a broad field, just pick any career. Forget about taking courses or applying for internships to build your skills. Apply for jobs without reading the requirements. That listing asking for 3 years of experience? They mean it. But  apply to be a Senior Cloud Architect with your 2-week Codecademy experience.

Be A Lone Ranger

Community is important in tech but you can ignore it. Why would you need mentors, peers and mentees anyways? You don't need advice from anyone, you can go through the stress of figuring it out yourself. At least, you will earn a badge of honor for being the first lone ranger in tech.

Learn More

JavaScript, Python, Rust, AWS, React, Kubernetes, Swift and Solidity—might as well learn them all at the same time! In 3 months, you know zero of them well enough to do anything useful. Oh! You can still rely on the (£3,000) 12-week coding bootcamp you did and then sit back and wait for Google to email you a job offer. Oh wait, they didn’t? Weird!

Ignore The Soft Skills

Ignore the ‘Soft Skills’ because You’re a ‘Tech Person’. Who cares if you can’t explain your ideas clearly? If your code works, that’s all that matters, right? You don't need to learn about communication, time management or managing relationships, just code and work on isolation. 

Be Lazy

Hard work, commitment and consistency is important in any career. You can ignore it in tech. Substitute the long hours of coding, reading and practicing for sleeping and a lot of social media. Always present yourself as a leader in tech.

As long as you don't actually do any work and follow these tips, you are sure to be successful in your tech career.